I'm not being heartless or judgemental. I just want to understand.
How does it happen that a person is stuck to another who is abusive?
Children, of course, have no choice.
I know that people who get stuck don't do it on purpose or usually even know what they're getting themselves into.
But I don't understand how a person gets stuck.
And I'd like to understand because it happens to so many people and all kinds of people and I also don't want that to happen to me.
What keeps a person from leaving when they're getting hurt? Do they not have anyone to call or anyone to ask for help? Do they not understand that what's happening is wrong? Do they think that life is fear and so fear is normal?
Is it that you fall in love before the person starts to hurt you and then keep hoping it will get better?
Is it that you don't realize that you deserve better?
Is it that you are too afraid of being alone?
Is it that you're too afraid of what will happen if you leave?
Is it pride?
I think, hope I'd leave if I were being hurt. But everyone must think that at some point, right? Nobody starts out saying that it's okay to hurt them, right? So what happens that makes a person stay?
I'm sorry that anyone understands this, actually. Shouldn't it be a mystery to everyone?
posted by Clandestine @ 11:26 AM
7 Comments:
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oops too many typos in last post...lets try this again..
found your blog through Blogzie's..as to your questions..it's all of the above and more. I have been there so, if you'll bare with me I will try to explain my take and what I've learned in therapy.
It is based on the "Like attracts Like" therory. Take it from me, only someone who grew up in an abusive home can understand someone else who has also. It changes who you are and your perspective on the world. It gives you a kind of "seperateness" that "normal" people just don't understand.That being said in heterosexual relationships when like attracts like it has catastrophic results. Men who grow up in abuse generally (not always) become abusers and women grow up to be (again, generally) victims of abuse. Part of the reason why they don't leave is because it's the "devil you know". Anything outside the abuse and dysfunction they've always known is the "unknown" therefore, frightening. They (speaking from the woman's stand point as that is what I know) not only don't believe they deserve better they don't know what "better" is. It never occurrs to them to even think of "better". Why would it? They've never known anything else. There is also the threat that an escape may get them killed. There are news items about just that kind of incident all the time. The self esteem issue you touched on is very mush in the forefront of the syndrome too. You wouldn't stay with a man who slaps you in the face on the first date. It takes months and sometimes years of verbal and emotional breaking down to get to the point where the physical abuse becomes almost accepted as par for course.
I could go on but that about covers the majority of the problem.
Hope that answers the questions you have. Good post, hope to hear from you too!
Rue
No easy answers to this one that is for certain.
I've thought about this as well and while it is easy to be flip, it is difficult to come to any logical understanding of the dynamics involved in abusive relationships.
STB
Thanks for your answers...
It is easy to be flip and difficult to find a logical understanding, that's definitely true.
It's just so sad that with all the messages people get from the media and school and their peers - good and bad - people still don't realize they're worthy of so much more and that life doesn't have to be about fear and pain..
Clandy;
Well look at you - you've gone and made yourself a blog! I was so excited to check back and find stuff about you here! :)
Sorry we missed each other in Boston.
As for people who are abused - it's a cycle I do and don't understand. I'll have to think a little more to create a more interesting response than that...
There is definitely a dynamics of emotion that takes place in the hearts and minds that have been there. Sometimes it is fear of being hunted like a wounded animal. Sometimes it is fear of being alone. Sometimes it is the fear of hurting the other partner...even in abusive relationships. It's a feeling of entrapment that one cannot shake, physically, emotionally, or psychologically. And if depressive emotions are allowed to develop and linger, the more difficult it is to become "unstuck". It's much more complicated than I would dare to explain, or dare to understand. It's not the answer, but hopefully my comment will help provide a clue. This comes from both inside and outside observations.
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